The Convenience of Children

Children are many things...bundles of joy, gifts from God, blank slates, pains in the ass, but I just realized the other day how convenient it is to have children. Why? They make it so easy for you to lie. I'm not talking about anything serious just, you know, small white lies that wouldn't hurt a fly. For instance, a few months ago my brother-in-law gave me an electric hair grooming razor to use on my son. Now, although I considered it, I did not attempt to use it on my son because I know better. However, when I looked at the dog as she trotted past me, I thought, "Why not?" Afterall, it costs me more to have her hair cut than mine, so...what could be the harm?
I have to admit, the dog actually sat still for me as I plugged in the shears (circa 1970) although she did howl and cry. I was amazed by the first few cuts. How easy! The hair just came off in clumps and I momentarily thought that I had found a new career. Forget writing! I'll charge $20 to shave dogs and have a nice comfortable income. As I shaved behind her ears, under her chin, on her paws visions of "Chez Annie's Pet Grooming" danced before me. I even chose a color theme--Retro pink and black. I was brought back to reality when I saw a real tear fall from my beloved canine's eye. I switched off the razor to stop and admire my work.
As my dog sat there obediently allowing me to observe her, I was instantly horrified. If there's a doggy version of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" she'd get the lead. It really looked like she had a lobotomy. One side of her jaw was bald while uneven clumps of shag hung from the other side. Her tail looked like a topiary and her paws looked like they belonged to a poodle. In my "Chez Annie" glee, I shaved off her left eyebrow. Frankly, I never knew that dogs even HAD eyebrows until I shaved one off!
Now, the dog is not stupid--I could see the scorn in her eyes as she skulked off. However, it wasn't until she refused to step out of the house to go for a walk that I realized she was thoroughly embarassed! I literally had to lift and carry her out of the house and even then she ran to hide behind every unoccupied tree!
So, I did the only thing that a responsible dog owner could do--I made an appointment at a real dog grooming shop and when they saw the state of the dog I blamed it on the kids. The owner of the shop just sadly nodded and said, "Kids will do the darndest things!" Imagine if she knew what their mother was capable of! Is there such a thing as doggy DYFUS?
So, let's just say that children are convenient--at getting us out of the most awkward and embarassing situations!