Mad Men on My Mind

Okay, so as I'm driving down Grand Avenue this afternoon, dishing out punishments to my son and daughter from the driver's seat I found myself shouting, "If Don Draper was your father you'd listen the first time, dammit!" Their reflections from the rear view mirror seemed slightly stunned, but mostly amused--as if to say--"Wait til my therapist gets a load of this!"

But my tirade got me thinking about last night's episode of Mad Men. Let's just jump ahead to 10:30 when Don's scream to the kids, "Cut it out!" was followed by obedient silence. My breathing became heavier when I stopped to think that he was not only admonishing his own brood, but also his brother-in-law's daughters. And they all listened! Come on, anyone who's ever had a playdate has had the urge to scream just once at some other kid, "Cut it out!" (My house, being uncensored, would follow it up with, "You little Bastard!") I am a true subscriber to the "Don Draper Method for Scaring the Shit out of Your Kids."

Okay back to the show--let's start at the beginning where Ann Margaret opened the show with "Bye Bye Birdie"--tell me that Sal didn't want to break out dancing and singing? Did you see his Fred Flinstone head slightly shaking to the beat restraining himself to not get up on the table and dance along with Annie?

And while we're on the subject of The Flintstones, I loved when sexy Joanie said to Iron Betty, "Other than Wilma Flintstone, I've never seen anyone carry so well." And not for nothing, but Joanie's looking a little thick around the waist; however, it only makes her look more sexy--my middle cannot be forced into curves--it's simply just there preventing me from sitting close enough to the steering wheel to reach the pedals. Lately it feels like I have to stand when I drive.

Then there's the dinner scene with Don, Pissed-off Betty, Pompous Price and his arrogant wife. Just once I want to be in a situation that requires me to say, "Ah, the coquille. Brilliant!"

And Roger. Roger, Roger, Roger...All I have to say about Roger is "Gibson up, Baby!" He can drink anywhere, anytime, anyplace and never break a sweat. It's true that last season's oyster and 10 martini lunch with Dan caused him to spew all over the clients (every time I eat oysters I'm reminded of that scene) he's still my favorite character. I loved the "family meeting" in his office with his ex & daughter. Let me just say that if Roger was my daddy and he was footing the bill for my off-the-charts wedding he could bring Ethel Merman for all I cared! And I love how his ex called his nubile bride "June" instead of "Jane"--can't beat passive-aggressive behavior!

Then there's Peggy's dorm sex with the Bay Ridge Boy. No Trojan, no worries--"we can do other things." -- How Don Draper of her!

I can't end the post without talking about Grandpa since the show sort of revolved around him and his son Scooter. Let me just say this--if I walked into my kitchen and found the old man pouring my booze down the drain he'd be in a home faster than you could say, "Bye-Bye Gramps!" That scene brought a tear to my eye.

Okay, and then there's the Don Draper Maypole Boner scene. The teacher was definitely headed in the "flower child" direction--hair down, no spray, no girdles, no stockings. You know there's got to be a story there...my guess is Don's going to the Parent-Teacher conference this year.

So until next week ladies, get out those matching peignoir sets, light up a non-filtered cigarette, and make yourself a pitcher of martinis...and if you find an empty box of Melba Toast in your cupboard--blame it on the maid...why not, Betty does?

The Return of Mad Men

Okay, so the rule in my house last night was this: disturb mommy from 10 o'clock to 11 o'clock and every privilege gets taken away and the house goes into lock down mode--this included my husband as well, but not the dog. Why? Season 3 of MAD MEN! Now for those of you who have never seen an episode of the show--run to the video store, Netflix, the library and watch the first two seasons. You will immediately become addicted as the opening notes transport you to the world of New York City, and the suburbs, in 1960. Sex, cigarettes, intrigue, cigarettes, adultery, cigarettes, pointy boobs and shoes, cigarettes, no birth control, cigarettes...oh, and lots and lots and lots of booze.

For all you returning devotees of the show I have just two words: Gay Sex! And could they make it any hotter? What was it? Because it was so forbidden back then, or the fact that Sal finally succumbed to his urges? And can I just say that Sal's almost-romp with the bell boy put Don's fling with the pretty, but entirely uninteresting, stewardess to shame. And, come on, when Sal's pen exploded in his shirt pocket? Cheesy, but oh so supreme a metaphor! Although I think Sal really loves his wife Kitty (and who wouldn't--she's great!) let's hope he continues to have more great story lines.

And Peggy--way to grow a pair--you go girlfriend!!! Get that secretary working for YOU! Take away those bangs, the bow ties, and the sensible shoes and you have Don Draper!

And how pregnant is Betty? When Don delivered the warm milk to Betty in bed she looked like her water was going to break, but at the end of the show she looked only about five months pregnant.

And I have to ask: can Betty be any more cold as a mother? Did you see the snarky smirk she had on her face when 8 minutes into the show she referred to her daughter as a "Lesbian"? At least her life would be more complete and fulfilled than yours, Betty Boop! And she'd be with someone, finally, who would love her unconditionally! Can't you see her daughter dropping LSD, burning her bra, and needing deep psychoanalysis by 1970?

Then there's Joan, the curvy sexy head of the secretarial pool. She made a reference about leaving not on her terms--did her rapist husband get her pregnant? But you have to love how she seductively and brilliantly put the English boy secretary, "I'm not a secretary" in his place by giving him an office she knew his boss would take away from him.

And here's my final thoughts: what's up with Cooper's Asian snake porn picture? Can Roger stay faithful to his 21 year old bride? Did anyone catch the hair hat on one of the ladies who lunched at Pete's wife's apartment? And how great are Pete's whiny temper tantrums? Imagine being married to that??? I love screaming at the TV whenever he comes on: "Stop whining Bitch!" Makes me feel so powerful! And when I watch all those pointy breasts, curvy hips, high pointy spiked heels, and the stiff hair on all the women all I can think about is the excruciating pain they must have been in every single minute of every single day. It's all I can do to put a bra on some days--imagine girdles, three-hook bras, garters, slips, stockings...OW!

Now, considering the fact that I also watch "The Housewives of..." shows, watching Mad Men is a huge step up the cultural food chain for me, and let's face it--Don Draper is some pretty sweet eye-candy! (But I would love to see The Housewives circa 1960 go up against The Housewives of New Jersey circa 2009--Betty wouldn't have to stand up to toss a table like Teresa--her icy cold stare would bring the room to a scary standstill. And what would Teresa make of those pointy boobies? And how fun would it be if Danielle hooked up with Don Draper--she'd off him in a Jersey second if he pulled that crap on her!)

So for all you other devoted fans of the misogynistic Mad Men, loosen up the girdles, take off the stilettos, light up a cigarette, pour yourself a scotch, whiskey, bourbon, vodka...and enjoy season 3!

PS: ant colonies are "gynocracies"??? WTF?